Reflections

Learning to embrace anxiety…

 

“Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated”. -Confucius

I have this passion planner where I can set my goals and have time to write out my vision and weekly am encouraged by some of the great quotes that are written. But today, I rolled my eyes out of agitation when I read this one. I am met with the question: If life is so simple, why has mine become so complicated? Am I insisting on complicating it? So I sat and thought about a few things but realized I need those complicated things to help me get thru life because I have anxiety.

Yup, I suffer from anxiety. My brain doesn’t work the “normal” way. I operate in high intensity, worry, stress over things that might not seem worrisome to the “normal” person, and operating in this flight or fight response can end in panic. You might not ever really see it, because it’s something that I work hard to control. My mind is always going, worrying, thinking, planning, and organizing.  Not just basic organization, I’m talking full detail, strategic planning. Day after day. I plan for success, failure, and mistakes. I organize room in my own calendar for rainy days, sunny days and days where Jax is just not having it. I plan my future just as I plan my today. As you can imagine, it takes so much energy to be me and not because of my life, but because I live with anxiety. Controlling it takes such an element of details, which are complicated.

I want this simple life without complication to be true for me. I want to know how it feels to just go on a trip without having a detailed agenda or itinerary. What it feels like to go to an event and not feel the walls caving in because there’s little to no room between you and the next person. I want to know how to uncomplicate navigating my kids growing up and being alright with not knowing every move they make. It’s so hard living with anxiety as a single person and then you mix it with being a mom and you’re sure your heart will explode.  How can I live my life simply, without inserting all my complications?

I rolled my eyes at this quote because complicating life isn’t something that people want to do! I mean, I’ll speak for myself, it’s not what I want to do. It’s not fun for me. It’s  exhausting, time-consuming, frustrating and sometimes discouraging. But hey, it’s something I have to do to function. Have you ever seen someone with anxiety lose their ability to control their breathing? (It’s not a pretty sight) These complicated techniques, such as but not limited to, knowing Jesus, reading the bible, praying, leaving all types of scriptures and affirmations around the house and car, in my phone and planners, help me. Being detailed, and having organized plans in EVERY area of our lives (its six people in our home)  helps me get up out of bed and participate in my children’s lives. It keeps me from not going insane and locking myself in my room when again my husband has to work late. It helps me with the constant change of life as a 30 year old woman, who is also a full-time mom, wife, student and pursing her own dreams trying to not get pulled down by the worlds pressures! It puts my life in perspective and reminds me that things can be worse. It lifts me from depression and the ugly battle with self worth. Life, although “simple” it can be overwhelming at times, and it’s ok to feel that way, and it’s comforting to recite daily that this isn’t too much for me to bare. My thought-out techniques keeps my mind in check and my brain functioning the way it should, without debilitating medicines.  My ability to self-control, in all its complication, gives me strength and when I can’t seem to remember how to catch my breath, it reminds me how….

My challenge today is to take this quote, rewrite it and hang it on my mirror. Why? So that I can remember to embrace my complicated life and enjoy any simplicities that may or may not come. I am learning how to live my anxiety, not fear it, and use it to keeping me going forward.  Challenge yourself to find value in life’s complications and use them as tools to be inspired.

Be encouraged.

 

 

 

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