It’s like I am a meal prepping, calendarizing, cleaning house on a schedule, knowing where all lost toys are ninja. I have stopped fights from just a look and redirected “back talk” by simply breathing. I can change the loud volume that my children operate in by walking out of my room. I have learned how to support my adolescents “on and off again” friendships. I listen to my middle child talk sports and act like I understand what he is saying. I can play barbies with my 5 year old and “totally get surprised when we have a visitor” and I have learned all and everything there is to know about my 2 year olds favorite creatures, dinosaurs.
I am a mom. I support and encourage my children. Learn their needs and supply them. I work hard at understanding their cues and stress over every detail of their little lives. I’ll call the advice line, post on mom forums, talk to family members, try to get my husband to worry like I do, so I’ll end up doing a google search and cry. Only to feel silly the next day because whatever it was, they survived. This mom position is one of the hardest positions I’ve ever been in and it’s in this position where I have doubted myself the most.
It makes me strive for excellence and when it doesn’t meet my definition, I am met with fear, anxiety, inadequacies and verbally abusing myself. I compare, contrast and research my “why” against what society says. Positioning myself back to back, side to side, arm length to arm length to see how I measure up. It’s a weakness of mine. I am a perfectionsit. I see only black and white, there is no in between so I either have mastered it or have totally given up. And in this position, giving up is not an option.
Here are my insecurities: Often called a superheroe but can not see it for myself. Somedays what my reflection shows to me isn’t what I believe. Even when I am trying to find myself in alone time, guilt is often present. I wonder why God has given me this position because there are some days where I feel like I can’t get it right. Weekly I find myself on the verge of locking everyone out the house (I wouldn’t do that) but instead I close my door. Meals have become less about what I would want to eat and more easily prepared beause my 2 year old tortures his siblings when I am away for too long. I stay inside because I fear leaving another full cart at the grocery store due to toddler meltdowns. And daily I wonder if going back to school is worth the extra stress, if a career is really all that important. Does God change his mind on our callings? I often ask my self that, wondering if he sees my struggle and will say “Ok, let me draft something new up for you”.
Here also are my securities: That I can do all things through Christ. That I am valuable to Him, and therefore have been chosen. I have been set free (from all my weaknesses) There is no condemnation and therefore my failures aren’t stacked up againist me. God saw me here in this position way before I got here (I am qualifed) and I am encouraged that he will see me through. No measuring is required because I have been accepeted by Christ. My mind is constantly being renewed so when I fight with myself daily, I remind myself that I am a child of God. That I have confidence in who I am, where I am going and what I am called to do. This position isn’t swallowing me whole and I will do all that God has planned for me, in addition to this motherhood gig.
So here’s the challenge. Refute your insecurities with all that you are secure in daily. Second, realize that there is no one better fit for the “position” than you. Lastly, where ever you find yourself, know that God is guiding you.
“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaish 30:21