Story time was a disaster today. Jax just wasn’t feeling it. He knew where we were and lost his mind as soon as the door opened. People turned and looked at me. We so happened to be early so it was still very quiet, unlike the times I’ve gone prior to check out books and there are tons of kids loudly chatting and playing. (Just my luck) His crying is worsening as we walk further in, so I turn and Thank God, there was this lady ( hopefully the librarian) standing off to the side, so I quickly handed her our “returning books,” and we backed out as quickly as I could. Feeling like everyone was looking at me! Goodness, I hate that feeling…
Walking back to the car, Jax is still crying. More like scream whining, the annoying sound toddlers make when they are having a tantrum. I pull the stroller over and say “Jax, what is it?!” And finally I make out the word “park”. The “park” that he was crying and at this point reaching his hands out for was just a grassy area. Trying to explain this went even worse, so I loaded his tantruming stiff body back into the car, fought him into his seat harness and off we went to the park. Our ride was full of crying and me repeating, “we are almost there, Jax”.
We pull up and unload for the fourth time, and when I put him down, he rejoices. I mean pure joy comes over his little 2 year old body and he runs! (It’s crazy how one minute he is full blown miserable, with the world hates him tears and I am his worst enemey to being SO happy. Like where does the emotion go? It just subsides?!) Anyway…he jets towards the play stucture. Up and down the slides. Running free in the grass. At some point the shoes come off, he uses his socks as bags for sand, and I am his audience. Every time he found something he would want my full attention “Ma this and ma that,” I just sit and watch him. (Emotionally exhauasted) He digs, pulls, searches the sand for objects. I watch as he examines rocks and gets excited about sticks. He even tried to write in the sand with his finger! Together we talk about the sand and all his treasures that he puts in his socks. I, finally am at peace because he is at peace.
The sun is beaming, his face is happy and… I understand. Just as I have plans, he does too. He has ideas and things that he wants to do. I ultimately am in charge but really he is the one who sets the tone for the day, not me. My planning is for him anyway, it’s for him to be entertained, to learn, to be social. He jumped, climbed, went up and down stairs, threw sand, made friends and ate snack happily today. (It wasn’t my exact idea, but hey, it worked out) He had an idea in his mind, he saw a park and had his own plan and we were able to explore it. I was able to embrace, to just go with it. Sure I was frustrated, I actually felt like just going home after I reveresed out of the library. So happy that I pushed through the day! So happy that I didn’t miss out on his joy.
I took my phone out and tried to capture the brillance of today. The pure joy that came with giving up my plans, my frustrations. Not every day can I let the embarassment go, not everyday can I pick up my failed plans and move on, but TODAY I did. I want to use this as a reminder of these adventures. My toddler adventure, where my fails turn into success. I’m having faith that days like this will be short. But for now I’m counting it all joy.