As mother’s we lose ourselves to the current task. Taking care of kids. Organizing the house. Managing schedules and trying to communicate with our husbands. We as mothers lose our own aspirations, our own goals. Frequently, I can hardly remember what I like to do or what I like to eat. Shoot, just trying to remember my favorite color or my favorite activity takes processing. My mind is so wrapped up in doing things with kids, for the kids or for my husband that it’s rare that I can answer the “What is your favorite thing to do” question truthfully. I actually don’t know. I don’t know what I actually like to do. I know what I will do if the kids aren’t around, I’ll watch T.V, or paint my horrific nails, sometimes I’ll sit in the quiet or just catch up on house work, but do I actually like any of those things? No. (Surprised?)
So today when the kids were talking about all the fun things they liked to do, I saw joy and happiness exuberant from them. Just talking about their “fun thing” was exciting. Then they asked me. It took me forever to find an answer, I said “to go on a walk”. (If I was on a game show, it would have buzzed “WRONG answer.”) All afternoon I was thinking that I don’t know what being “me” feels like. I don’t know what eating what I want really feels like because I remake my favorite foods so we don’t eat out as much. (The food is still great, but is it actually my favorite, I don’t know) I don’t know what my favorite things to do are because the things I do, are things I started doing because I have kids. Most are things that contradict what I said I hate, like going to beaches or parks with sand! (both are things WE do) I lost myself somewhere between having kids, being married and living this “parenting life.”
Sure, I have goals and aspirations. I realized that those things are so very, very last on my “to do” list because groceries, kids needs, schedules, and to send my husband emails of EVERY thing I need him to do is right there taking up spots 1,2, 3 and 4. By the end of the day, there at the bottom, intertwined with coffee stains and Jax’s artwork, are my things, like my homework, house work, responding to Doula emails, and somewhere is read the bible and pray. (Just being honest)
Sounds like I’m complaining, and well, I am, mostly out of trying to figure out why I couldn’t answer that question and being frustrated at the realization that I am at the bottom of my OWN list. It’s hard days like today, where you know there is so much to be grateful for; but you want to kick the ground and throw a tantrum like a 16 month old because you really just want to stay in bed and soak in pity because you’ve lost yourself, hoping that you’ll find yourself, but knowing that you won’t.
In all seriousness, sometimes trying to find the answer to the most simple questions make you realize how important it is for self care. Today being asked that question lead me to find that I never lost myself. It made me realize that for me to have REAL answers to those simple questions, I need to stop placing myself at the bottom of the my OWN list.
It’s easier said than done, (I know) but I challenge you to rewrite your list placing yourself as number 1. Take time with God; pray, read your bible,worship, put on make-up, or eat and don’t share! (I won’t judge you) What ever YOU need to be a better, healthier you, do it! I still don’t know the answer to the question, but I’m sure once I start spending more time with myself and ON myself, I’ll find it.