Disappointed. Frustrated and completely over it. This last semester in school sucked. It took away so much of my time. Well really my sleep. Of course my homework and studying happened on the tail end of the day.
Remembering back, I don’t think I ever got an “F” on any test. This semester I got two…yes, that’s right, two. Both times, I am reminded at how hard I push my kids to get “good grades”. It wasn’t for the lack of trying or that I wasn’t dedicated or that I didn’t study. I honestly don’t know why..I want to fault the questions. I want to fault the teachers study guide, that literally had nothing to do with the final and the stupid timer thing that made me feel like my heart was going to explode! I want to fault my notes and all 5 chapters and overall, I want to fault Political Science because it exists!! But I can’t. I can’t point the finger or put the blame on anyone.
I sit after the final feeling like a failure. Feeling like I have let down myself and my kids..who I know are going to ask me how I did on my final. I sit wondering what I am going to say. I want my kids to know that I am just as hard on myself when it comes to having “good grades”. I am trying to figure out the mistakes I made, where I went wrong, anything to justify this “F” and all I can come up with is, “I didn’t try hard enough”. However, that’s a lie.
I tried. I studied. I took notes and read and re read chapters. I went on Youtube and watched “Political Science for Dummies”, (which actually had some good stuff!) I emailed the teacher and did research. But when it came to the tests, I failed.
This teaches me a great lesson when it comes to parenting my children. It’s not just about the grades. This letter grade just adds SO much pressure. It makes you feel like a failure. Like you aren’t good enough. Like you haven’t done something right. Makes you feel shame! When actually, I should be feeling great!
In everything we do, we will have our strengths and weakness. We will have successes and failures. We shouldn’t be judged, condemned or defined by the results. We should be rewarded for trying, for pursuing it in the first place. We should be encouraged to try harder without the added pressures of being reminded of all we didn’t do or all we failed at…Today, taught me how to have a little more grace. How to look pass these “grades” and to push myself and kids to keep trying. To not be limited by a result, but to keep pursuing and to find success in the things that we did right!
I still sit feeling sad about the tests and wondering about the results. However, I find joy in knowing that God is pruning my bad habits and redefining the important things in life. He is forever teaching me how to parent and loving me even in my failures. Tomorrow, I will apologize to my kids for sometimes not seeing their success in the mist of their failures. In the future, I will extend the same thing that my Father has extended to me, love and encouragement.
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”