There was a question asked last week that stuck with me and has brought me to this place of acceptance.
“What brought you to this journey?”
Well, being pregnant with my oldest daughter brought me to Jesus. It was the moment I built a relationship with him. Developed trust and understanding of who He was. My second pregnancy with my son focused most on maturity. Maturing as a mother for the second time and as a young pastors wife. My third pregnancy with our second daughter taught me what walking in faith was really like. He showed me his grace during the most difficult times in my marriage, as a woman and ultimately took me to another level in Christ.
Somewhere along the way after having kids and beginning to get the freedom to move about and do what I wanted, I lost my way. I lost my connection to Jesus and His power. I lost my ability to really see pass natural circumstances and fight in the spirit. I didn’t want to accept many things about ministry or my life at this point. So in my pursuit to finding myself, I selfishly began to ignore God. So He had to get my attention–my current reality, I am 39 weeks pregnant.
This by far has been the hardest pregnancy. Thankfully, not because of health reasons, but because of where I thought I was heading. I didn’t consult God, why should I? I felt like I had been supportive, 100% behind my husband and his ministry, that I have grown as a mother and continued to be active in their growth and development and now this freedom had been owed to me. It was my turn to do what I wanted, you know, find myself.
When I found out I was expecting, I thought my world ended. We all know how it can happen, so that wasn’t the question, but what really upset me was I did everything to prevent it. Selfishly, I dreaded the thought of having to have another baby. “Doing it all OVER again,” I would complain-endless nights of sleep, the crying, nursing, the shots and fevers, we don’t have the money, the list can go on. See, in my selfish thinking I could only think of all the things that have become affected by this unplanned pregnancy.
However, God had been trying to get my attention, because some way, some how I’ve become lost on this journey. I was lost in all the things I wanted to do. Planning my next moves and all things didn’t tie back up to his will. He needed to bring me back to where it all began, He needed to remind me of who He is and what He called me to be and do.
This last 9 months have taken a toll on me emotionally, bringing me right back to building the relationship I first had with Jesus. In these past months, my maturity has been put to the fire. In each natural dispute, God’s grace literally has covered me! My faith has been rebuilt by the many times God has taken over and showed that He is the living God and NOTHING is impossible for him. My praying has increased because in these past months the devil has attacked my mind and tried to encapsulate me with depression and anxiety (something that God has delivered me from). My worship brings tears to my eyes because I have been reminded of the things He has taken on the cross for me. I needed to be reminded of the reason I am even here! Why I even know Jesus.
God had to reposition me, not just as a wife to a Pastor, a mother or even a woman made in God’s own image. He needed me to remember the beginning. At each crossroad God has taught me that this journey isn’t for me but for those coming in and to reflect on those things He has called me out of and rejoice for the places He has set me up for. This is where my energy should be invested, which will lead to the desires of my heart! (God doesn’t want to take them away, He wants to build upon them!)
I have accepted the challenge of being a Pastors wife, mom of four and living unto God, but He wants me to pick up my cross to pave the way for the next young pastors wives and mothers to follow. I am ready to build upon my desires and reach the young girls who just met Jesus, to teach how God matures us. How His grace REALLY is sufficient and lastly how it all goes as planned when we just accept the call He has on our lives!
So in your reflection, I challenge you to ask your self this, “What brought you to this journey?” Get ready to pick up your cross!